Monday, May 13, 2013

Barefoot and Pregnant: A Real Mom's Guide to the Miracle of Life. Part 1

***The following, is based on my personal child birth experiences. It expresses my views and/or opinions and does replace medical expertise. I am not a physician, nor am I qualified to give any sort of medical advice. Please consult your physician for any medical needs. Enjoy my crazy shit!!!!!***

Seems to me, everyone is in the mood for making babies. This is a wonderful thing, since sometimes (not nearly often enough), making a baby is also making grown ups.

I love babies! Which should be fairly obvious since I am currently baking baby #4. That being said, I feel like I have my own little bucket of knowledge to pour unto the inexperienced first timers out there.

The question, is where do I start? I suppose the best place is the beginning, but the problem there, is that every pregnancy is completely different from the next. Not one of my four, have been alike. So I think I am going to skip to the good stuff. That would be weeks 36-40 of pregnancy and (dun dun dah) delivery.

The reason I want to talk about the last month of pregnancy, is that it is generally (and this goes for all women) the most miserable month you will ever endure.

At this time, you're big. You feel awkward and unattractive and constantly unable to find comfort. Things are swollen and/or aching. Your irratable and often times, hot tempered. You have gone from lovingly caressing your growing belly, to staring at it......with just a hint of distaste.

Everyone drives you nuts, especially that douche bag that knocked you up. You just want this "thing" out of you already. Now some of you may be fortunate enough to have that someone who can tell you all their dirty little labor secrets. But not everyone knows these things, so then you have those women that are 42 weeks pregnant and ready to slaughter their partner AND their OB/GYN.

My best....and I mean VERY best advice for naturally inducing sex. A lot of sex. I realize that it can get uncomfortable this late in a pregnancy. I realize that it gets hard to feel even remotely sexy...or to get aroused. But I shit you not, having sex is literally the best way to jump start labor. And after you have that baby, your dry for 6 weeks my friend. Even after those 6 weeks, finding the time/energy to bust a.....well, lets just say that sex, becomes much less of a priority than it once was. Enjoy it while you can.

Okay, let's talk labor. In short, it sucks. I have been through two true labors. What I mean, is that I went into labor with  my first two children. My third was a planned cesearen, this fourth will be as well. I'll talk more about c-sections in a bit.

The labor party doesn't always start like those scenes in movies. Your water doesn't always break and sometimes they have to jump start contractions. It all depends on you, your body and baby.

Labor is no fun, its painful, exhausting and uncomfortable. You want it to be over as soon as it starts, but it can take a very long time. You'll questions quite a few things too! You'll wonder what the hell you were thinking, when you decided to have a baby. You'll wonder why you let "that asshole" touch you in the first place (or whatever brought you to this point). You'll wonder how all the other women who've ever given birth, are still alive, cause you'll just KNOW that you're going to die. These are normal things to ponder, the answers are irrelevant.

This is not meant to be a lesson in child birthing, so I'll spare you the the logistics. This is just one mom sharing what she experienced, with other moms. That in mind, I have no idea what to tell ya'll when it comes to "vaginal" delivery. I have given birth three times, all three have been via cesearen section (c-section).

Generally, first timers will push a baby out. If there are any complications, your doctor may order an emergency c-section. Don't.....well, try not to get too worked up about this. It may just be that your body isn't making baby's first appearance, an easy one. It could be, that perhaps you or baby (or both) are simply too exhausted to put in any more work. Your doctor may see this and decide to call it quits. Sometimes your ready and baby is ready, but your body and nature aren't playing along. Whatever the reason, trust that your doctor is making that decision with you and your baby's best interest in mind.

I have to keep it real though, sometimes things go wrong. If you or baby are in danger, your doctor will know it and make the decision to get baby out quick. In that case, things happen very fast. My first born was an honest emergency (they kept losing his heartbeat) and I was in and out of the operating room, in maybe 30-45 mins. In those cases, you don't remember much. Just the worry you felt. If things move a little slower, that's a good thing.

Here's what you should know about c-section vs.vaginal deliveries. If I could have chosen, all of my children would have been born vag. style. It takes much longer to heal from a c-section and that increases with every birth. Its a major surgery, that will have you off of your feet for a good amount of time. Some other things to know? You get horrible, incredibly painful gas. Your hospital stay is longer. Your stomach muscles are cut, making anything that involves those muscles (like laughing or coughing), stupid painful. The worst part, for me, is the spinal. You have to be numb from the armpits down during a c-section. So the anesthesiologist is going to give you a spinal. This is a needle inserted into your SPINE. Enough said? Good, cause I get my fourth in November and I don't want to talk about it.

So I think that's it, for now anyway. This has gotten you through your last month of pregnancy, labor and a c-section. Good times...indeed.

Join me next time as I discuss newborns and what to do with one, when you get it home....

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